There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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