Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
