So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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