I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
