remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
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