What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
