You made me cry and you don't even care
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
