I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
