Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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