i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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