alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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