My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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