i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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