I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
