This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
