i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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