i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
