I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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