I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
