i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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