Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
