Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
