She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
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