fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
