drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Dignity is for republicans.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
