Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
