seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
