so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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