I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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