A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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