I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
