Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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