I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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