Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
