So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
