it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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