My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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