i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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