im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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