the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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