when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
