Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
