I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Drake has all the answers
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
