when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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