I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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