I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
