I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
