The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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