I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
