Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I had to cum in my sink.
Come on in and take your pants off
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