this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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