she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
