i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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